Musical Lyrics Humor

Here are some age appropriate twists to some old favorites from the 60's

  • Herman's Hermits- Mrs. Brown you've got a lovely walker
  • Ringo Starr- I get by with a little help from depends
  • BeeGees- How can you mend a broken hip
  • Paul Simon- 50 ways to lose your liver
  • Procol Harem- A whiter shade of hair
  • Leo Sayer- You make me feel like napping
  • Temptations- Papa's got a kidney stone
  • Helen Reddy- I am Woman- hear me snore
  • Leslie Gore- It's my hormones and I'll cry if I want to.
  • Wille Nelson- On the commode again

More

Hilarious
  • I hate it when I see some old person and then realize we went to high school together
  • Yes officer, I did see the 'speed limit' sign, I just didn't see you.
  • Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark; Professionals built the Titanic.
  • "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille
  • It's OK if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.
  • My joints are stiff. It's because you're rolling them too tight.
  • There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house. This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the averabe house cannot jump.
  • So, I was at Walmart earlier. A lady was looking at frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, "so these turkeys get any bigger?" He replied with a straight face, "No ma'am, theyre dead." Made my week.
Food For Thought 
• Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
• It is weird being the same age as old people.
• When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
• It is probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Senior Vocabulary

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

  • BFF: Best Friend Fainted
  • BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
  • CBM: Covered by Medicare
  • FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
  • LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
  • GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
Physical Therapist Humor

I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Windy Isn't it?

Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

So Many Scars

"Wow, so many scars. You must have had an adventurous life!"

Peter replies: "No, I have a cat.”

Surgery

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me. Your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…."

Yogisms
  • When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
  • You can observe a lot by just watching.
  • It ain’t over till it’s over.
  • It’s like déjà vu all over again.
  • No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
  • Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.
  • A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
  • Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
  • We made too many wrong mistakes.
  • Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.
  • You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.
  • You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.
  • usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.
  • Never answer an anonymous letter.
  • Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.
  • How can you think and hit at the same time?
  • The future ain’t what it used to be.
  • I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better.
  • It gets late early out here.
  • If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.
  • We have deep depth.
  • Pair up in threes.
  • Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.
  • You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
  • All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

-Ref: USA Today 50 greatest Yogi Berra quotes